A look at the least important things in life

This week in awkward sex crimes

Been a big week for prostitution.

I have here two stories on the world’s oldest profession: one featuring a Zumba teacher in Maine and one from right in Clarksville, Tennessee. You may read the sordid details here and here for more info. Odds are excellent that CBS News and The Leaf-Chronicle aren’t linked back-to-back like that too often.

Delving into the Maine Zumba case – and if there was ever a way to get men interested in Zumba, it would be a business model that also dealt in sex acts – it seems like the logical end-point of that terrible Lifetime show starring Jennifer Love-Hewitt. Sex videos, adultery, exhibitionism – that’s how you get a small town like Kennebunk, Maine into the mainstream media. That several prominent members of the community are probably going down as well makes the whole thing that much more delicious.

Oh, is that being harsh? Don’t rent a hooker, regardless of how legitimate her front business seems to be. Then you can’t get caught.

The Clarksville case is pretty good in its own right. I can’t decide which part is best: that people come to Clarksville from Bowling Green and Memphis to find some strange; that this sting was done, according to the report, via social media; or that the blonde in question is listed as a dude, looks like a chick and really, it’s 50-50 on what he/she actually is/aspires to be.

(I’m kidding. The last part is the best. That’s an ugly man or woman, regardless of which way it breaks. Although kudos to Clarksville’s finest for stamping out your regular old run-of-the-mill hookers; maybe someone will start a fitness center/brothel in Clarksville soon. Then we can really have some news.)

Okay, this is getting a little out of hand even for you. Don’t you have anything else to say?

Actually, yes. If you’re not inspired to laugh because of prostitution, then allow me to tell the story of the charming scamp in New Mexico who managed to get a DWI WHILE HAVING SEX AND CRASHING HIS CAR.

You’re right. That actually tells the entire story. Except for one crucial part – “When police responded to the wreck, they said they found Briones hiding behind a cactus wearing his shorts inside out.”

How much cover does a cactus really provide?

The report also said that the accused tried to drive away from the crash and was obscene (no kidding?) when officers found him. The woman involved was injured, although that she has to explain how she got her injuries should be punishment enough for her.

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