A look at the least important things in life

Facebook voting

Finally, Facebook is doing its job and telling me who to vote for.

It was the logical next step, after all. Facebook tells me who my friends are, what things they like (and by extension, I should like) and what everyone is doing at any given time. So it’s only right that how I cast my die in a few weeks be determined by my internet friends.

Before either side gets carried away with, “We got a convert! WOOOO! High fives for everybody!”, let’s be clear: I’m not going to vote for anyone just because you put together a particularly clever Facebook status. In fact, that’s even more likely to make me and every other undecided voter you encounter piss in your coffee when you aren’t looking. You’re not James Carville, so get over yourself.

Besides, my method is much more simple: I added up all the people I’m friends with on Facebook that ‘like’ Mitt Romney’s Facebook page, and all the people that ‘like’ President Obama’s page. Then, I began weeding people out for their opinions, based on criteria like: too stupid to be allowed an opinion, blames ‘the black guy’ for every problem, thinks voting for Obama is the cool hipster thing to do, or goes off on a Facebook/Twitter rant twice a week about one side or the other.

Yeah, that’s judgmental. I don’t much care, since as far as I can tell Facebook exists for just such a reason. If you think I’m bad, I hope you didn’t post a picture of a shitty bridesmaid dress you wore/made someone else wear and my wife saw it. She’s ruthless.

(I’m sure I’ll get some angry redneck to chime in about how I’m not a ‘real ‘Merican’ and all kinds of other bullshit because I’m not taking this seriously when the fact of the matter is we’ve had American Idol seasons with better candidates. If the Republicans and the Democrats refuse to take the process seriously, why should I?)

Anyway, I was pretty surprised by how close this race was; if the actual election is anywhere as close, we’re in for a treat. Regardless, 24.6 percent of my pro-Romney friends are beaver-shit crazy one-percent wannabes while 23.8 percent of the pro-O’s hate rich people or think voting for Obama is ‘fabulously ironic’ (Obviously I’m projecting here; plenty of people also like Romney because ‘he’s not the black guy’). So I won’t be voting for Mittens.

That doesn’t mean I’m voting for President Obama; I find it insane that the Republican party couldn’t, after all the trials and tribulations of the Obama Presidency, find someone to defeat him in a resounding fashion. Honestly, it should have been fairly easy. Instead, they propped up Barbie (Paul Ryan) and Ken (Mittens) and hope we’re all so disillusioned with the current regime – and many, many more people probably should be disillusioned with it – that we elect Romney and turn 1600 into the Pennsylvania Avenue Dream Home.

But thanks to Facebook and those that use it, America’s Dream Couple won’t get my vote. Thanks Facebook!


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