A look at the least important things in life

Movie Trailer Tuesday: Cloud Atlas

Due Out: October 26

Before you watch this trailer, I’d advise you to grab a snack and a drink. This bad boy is nearly six minutes long. I kept expecting a test as we got closer to the end. (Tom Hanks is to ­­­­­_______ as Halle Berry is to Meronym)

A 5:42 trailer is not a trailer; it’s an exercise in sadomasochism. I know there’s a lot to get to here, that people need some established backstory before deciding if this is worth their time. But this trailer seems to draw on for a long time with very little point, aside from people recognizing one another from past lives.

Look, I’m not going to tell you this appeals to everybody, or really anybody. It’s The Matrix for people that believe we’re all reincarnated. Cool. In fact, so cool I may have just saved you five and a half minutes.

Here’s what you can do with that saved time, if you are so inclined:

Get a snack
Watch one-fourth of an episode of How I Met Your Mother
Send me a quick text thanking me for sparing you the time
Ponder whether or not anyone still uses MySpace
100 jumping jacks
50 push-ups (all numbers for people as ponderously out of shape as myself)
Pick a fight with your significant other
Make up for a previous fight you had with your significant other

Fine, if you’re insistent, here’s a brief plot rundown from what I could surmise, since this 5:42 (did I mention that it’s a 5:42 trailer?) seems to be leading us in circles. Tom Hanks and Halle Berry keep meeting in future lives after falling in love in past ones. They always seem to know one another on sight and fall deeply in love, even though they’ve just (ostensibly) met in the present. How heartwarming.

The movie speaks to everyone’s vague feelings of déjà vu, and if that was the whole twist I think this would be sweet. Instead, we’re going to watch Tom Hanks and Halle Berry try to awkwardly pretend there’s even a shred of romantic chemistry between them for a few hours. I’ve got better things to do with my life.

Keep An Eye On: The bathroom. If the trailer is more than five minutes, the movie’s run time may make Titanic look like a brief After-School Special.

Burning Question: Given Hollywood’s burning desire to beat every have-decent idea into the ground, what logical conclusion will the “Getting inside your own mind”-themed movies reach before it is shut down for good? And how – HOW? – will Hollywood make sure to get vampires involved?

Reminds Me Of: You’re not gonna believe this, but I’m forcibly reminded of Inception. Some strong hints of The Matrix are involved, although that may be mostly due to the presence of Hugo Weaving and Hugo Weaving’s creepy frown-smile.

Theater, Redbox or Skip It: I’d rather take an icepick to the testicles, but think-piece movies like this have a way of winding up on those ”Best Movies of the Year” lists. If you want to sound smart and cool, you’ll go see this in theaters and brag to other people about how much deeper you are than the poor unwashed masses that just ‘don’t get it’. If you want to be entertained you’ll rent it one night, watch the first 30 minutes and either be hooked or disappointed. I no longer gamble on disappointment when I’m paying 30 bucks for two people to see a movie; you do as you wish.


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