A look at the least important things in life

Really, Congressman?

I don’t know why I pay attention to these idiots, just like I don’t know why it infuriates me so when they say stupid things. I’ve known all my life that many (too many) of the people we’ve elected to represent us are buffoons of the highest order. That’s just one of those things that I’ve always accepted as gospel.

I don’t think them idiots in the traditional “too stupid to be allowed out in public” sense, because clearly they’ve all been well-coached on how to shake hands, kiss babies and be, for lack of a better word, ‘electable’. I’ve long suspected that Ivy League schools (which push out more of these over-stuffed imbeciles than anywhere else) must teach some sort of ‘Politics 1102: How to Act Like a Candidate’ course that we public school dregs just don’t get to experience. Since I’ve never met a single person from an Ivy League school, thus far my hypothesis has been impossible to disprove. For all I know, Harvard is a state school of Narnia.

For a long time, I’ve observed politics with the same skeptical eye I’d usually reserved for the world of competitive Scrabble. Sure, you may learn a thing or two but if your pay too close attention to either you’ll lose touch with reality.

You’ll probably be unsurprised to learn that the source of my vitriol today is Missouri representative and walking anus Todd Akin, who recently made history of sorts by coining the phrase ‘legitimate rape’ and going on to describe a legitimate rape’s inability to get a woman pregnant. Now that you’re done screaming swear words in your head, we’ll continue.

Mr. Akin (not an Ivy League grad, and let that be a lesson to the rest of you: always vote for someone that’s been coached on how not to be a vile Neanderthal in public) obviously suffers from a healthy case of nogginupass syndrome and should be quarantined for the good of the American people. This level of stupidity is certain to be contagious and we don’t want it to get out into our communities.

When pressed about his appalling stupidity, did Akin distance himself from it, offer a mea culpa and throw himself upon the mercy of the court of public opinion?

Mr. Akin:

“In reviewing my off-the-cuff remarks, it’s clear that I misspoke in this interview and it does not reflect the deep empathy I hold for the thousands of women who are raped and abused every year.”

Translation: I’m not sorry I said the obviously stupid thing I said. I’m sorry that somebody heard me say the obviously stupid thing I said.

Solid political savvy there, Congressman. We’re glad you could put on a leopard-skin loin cloth, exit your cave and grunt us all into oblivion. Hurry back to the tribe; they’re all waiting for that story of yours that begins, “One time, when Akin make wheel…”

(Every time I hear a new story where one of our political leaders decided to open his mouth and spew some word vomit, I’m reminded of the great Tony Kornheiser quote about George W. Bush prior to the 2000 Presidential election: “I’m not saying the President always has to be the smartest guy in the room, but he may not be the smartest guy in a phone booth.”)

Sadly, we can’t limit the lunacy to Mr. Akin; indeed, it appears to have sprung whole from the earth. Oversized rectal warts like Mike Huckabee and Kirk Cameron have defended Akin’s claims. Mike Huckabee is as useless as a tuna sandwich and nearly as smart, so I expected nothing more from him. But Kirk Cameron? Kirk Cameron is Mike Seaver and I will be DAMNED if he’s going to besmirch my fond memories of Growing Pains by becoming the barnacle that clings to this sinking ship.

Kirk Cameron likes to take the Christian view on things, and I suppose if Todd Akin had taken the Christian view or the normal view or the Sleestak view we probably could have avoided this catastrophe entirely. But Cameron, to his credit, has said that he prefers to view the man’s whole body of work and character before making rash judgments based on a careless thought. That’s a fine, upstanding way to look at things. Nobody ever wants their entire being boiled down to the worst thing they ever publicly did. But you have to ask: was this the worst thing Todd Akin ever said or the worst thing he ever said on record? There’s a difference, Mike Seaver.

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