A look at the least important things in life

The Bachelor Log – Day Three

Would you like to know what I’ve eaten the last two days?

A barbecue sandwich and a bag of chips. Hot dogs. Diet Mountain Dew. Snickers. Enough sugar-free Red Bull that I don’t think I can sleep for the next three nights. And beer. That’s the whole list.

I can’t live like this. It feels like a bowling ball has settled into my large intestine. I would blame my culinary conundrums on working a softball tournament for two days, but truthfully I’m just lazy and haven’t fixed anything. I’m scared to eat simple things like an apple; I’m afraid my body would reject it like a bad kidney.

So the dietary portion of my journey has gone exactly as everyone – and I mean EVERYONE, including my wife, my mom, her mom and little old ladies I didn’t even ask – assumed it would.

My beard has officially reached “scraggly” status. I’m a typewriter and an ax away from being Jack Nicholson in The Shining. I hope I can find something decent to wear for work on Monday (by decent I mean without stains that look like they were worn by an extra in a particularly gruesome episode of NCIS) but may be forced to accept that I’m hopeless on my own and just buy new clothes. That probably won’t work, since I don’t know what matches what; I’d probably wind up looking like a tourist from Eastern Europe.

In positive news, I did figure out how to program the alarm clock. That did not stop me from waking up three times in the middle of the night to make sure it was set and that I hadn’t overslept. My usual alarm clock (the dog) is at my parent’s house. So not only am I hungry, I don’t have a dog to amuse me.

In an effort to make this not about me, I’ve had a few people ask about my wife and if I’ve heard from her. We’ve e-mailed and talked a couple of times since she arrived and everything appears to be great. She seems to be having a wonderful time, thank you for asking. Now back to me.

Since I’ve been busy with this tournament all weekend, I haven’t had time to get bored/lonely/sleep, and so I’ve successfully managed to stay sane and happy. That ends tomorrow, when I realize that since I haven’t been here this weekend and neither has my wife, nothing’s been done. That means the house is destroyed, the clothes aren’t clean and the bills aren’t paid. Somebody’s got to do that, and I guess it’ll have to be me. Oh, and I’ll miss my wife and stuff.

The dog returns tomorrow, and I’m sure she’ll be understanding of her exile to my parent’s and her subsequent rescue. She’ll probably show her thanks by pooping in the kitchen.

On the bright side, I am enjoying my abilities to watch whatever I want. Basketball has been on non-stop when I am home, which hasn’t happened in a while. Even the horrendous BIG EAST Championship (currently in its final seconds) is enjoyable when I realize the alternative is Army Wives.

Anyway, that’s a wrap for me tonight. If you’ll excuse me, I need to put on “It’s a Hard-Knock Life”, figure out where the vacuum cleaner is and find the smell in here. I hope it’s not me.


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